Transfer Day & Lucky 7s

Wow! Where to begin?! It has been such an exciting past few weeks. I have decided to post all of the pictures we have taken and go from there while writing this post.  I will talk about all of my symptoms I have been having and the next steps for us! 

Harmony Point Acupuncture

This is the place where I have been going to acupuncture.  They were recommended by our fertility doctors and specialize in acupuncture at the time of embryo transfer.  They follow a special set of acupuncture points that were proven successful in a research study of thousands of women who did IVF transfers.  I had to be there at 9am on the day of the transfer. 

So relaxing :)

Sneaky Justin taking this picture of me...

After acupuncture, we went home to relax.  I had to empty my bladder at 10:15am and drink 16oz of water.  We received a call around 10:45am that one of our embryos thawed well but the other had several dead cells.  The embryologist did not think it would produce a pregnancy.  We decided to discard that embryo and risk thawing our last "good" rated embryo.  Thank goodness they gave me this news when it was time to take my 10mg of Valium!  I was a nervous wreck hearing that.  We still have 4 "fair" rated embryos frozen.

Another beautiful day for an embryo transfer!

We arrived at the clinic around 11:45am.  Dr. Williams was scheduled to arrive at 12:15pm to start the procedure.

My home for the last 2 years...

Melinda, my nurse and friend, was able to be there for the transfer again.  She always calms my nerves.  I got dressed and waited for the news from the embryologist. 

Keeping my fingers crossed!

We didn't get to speak with the embryologists before the transfer as they were busy preparing our last minute embryos.  Dr. Williams came out and gave us the good news that we had two embryos to transfer!  The top one was the last minute thaw and just needed a little bit more time to fully expand. He reassured me that it would expand once placed in me.  This made me feel so much better.  I was nervous we would be stuck with one to transfer again!

Our 2 embryos. 

The transfer went great.  Justin was able to videotape the whole procedure and there wasn't any complications.  There was a resident doctor manipulating the ultrasound probe on my abdomen while Dr. Williams inserted the catheter and babies!  He may have been a little rougher than Dr. Christman, but he got the job done and for that I am thankful! haha 

The babies are in!
They are the bright white line in the middle top of the ultrasound

Proud parents!

You can see our two babies clearer in this picture

I went to the restroom right away and left the clinic within 10 minutes of the procedure.  I was so excited to have several days off of work to just rest and be in tune with what my body was doing!

Tucker already sensed I had babies in me and started his protector duties 

What happens to the embryos each day after transfer

Day of transfer: I felt barely any period like cramps and had a headache at night.  I started to eat pineapple for 5 days as I heard an old-wives tale that it helps with implantation.  I'll try anything at this point!

Day 1 Post-transfer: I woke up to the smallest spot of blood but I figured it was probably from the trauma of the embryo insertion, as it had to be too early for implantation.  I had more period-like cramps and had to double my insulin due to the steroids. I have enjoyed doing daily devotionals with this book. It has really helped me during my waiting period!  

A little God, A little Tucker, and a little baby twinges!

Day 2 Post-transfer: More cramps came, my boobs started to hurt a little on the sides and I was constipated from my meds.  Last day of steroids!

This is my happy to be off steroids face!

Day 3 Post-transfer: Negative urine test, hardly any cramps, bigger boobs.

Day 4 Post-transfer: Dreamed that I was gushing breastmilk like waterfalls.  I insisted that I wasn't pregnant due to barely any symptoms showing up so I bought myself an Apple Watch as a consolation prize and went to acupuncture.  I started crying on the way there, getting so frustrated of another probable failed cycle when I heard the DJ on the JoyFM Christian radio station say "Just want to remind you of this verse" and proceeded to recite the same verse I had been focusing on from my devotional book and posted on Facebook the night before the transfer.  

"So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I felt like it was a sign and immediately became at peace. Then cramps and headache came that night, blue veins showed up on my boobs, and my urine test dried with a super faint line that I didn't see until the next day. 

Day 5 Post-transfer: Slightly nauseous in AM, more lightheaded, headache, found out positive urine test (woke Justin up again at 5am to show him haha), cramps noted on both left and right. 

Day 5- Took two tests today (am & pm) and it's a faint line!
It even looks like day 4 dried with one too

Tucker is still keeping the babies warm

Day 6 Post-transfer: Blurry vision started like last time, bad cramps on the right, super constipated, headache, mildly nauseous in am and needing to eat, tired, lightheaded. 

Day 6- Getting darker!

Day 7 Post-transfer: Blurry vision, bigger boobs, more nauseous in am and needing to eat, craving pickles, headache worse, lightheaded, little twinges on the left, really tired, implantation spotting at night. 

Day 7- I'm definitely pregnant!

Day 8 Post-transfer: No energy for anything. Urine test lines doubling almost every 24hrs instead of 48, sense of smell is super strong.  We told Justin's parents that I was getting positive urine tests that night.  I couldn't hide my symptoms anymore!

Day 8

Day 9 Post-transfer: Hcg 211, cramps, and a headache.  Laura, the phlebotomist was super excited to draw my level and was very positive for me. Then the woman embryologist (I still don't remember her name!) came in and was like how are you?! You're good?! Like meaning a positive good! Haha She said they get just as excited over our numbers as we do. Then Dr. Kramer showed up and was like did you cheat?! What is it?! Lol He said he would make sure the nurses called me right away. Melinda called me and said "it's good!" and I immediately started ugly crying after hearing the number.  I knew it had to be better than last transfer since my urine tests were darker, but I really did think it would still be in the 100s.  Our doctor had told us that anything around 100 would be one embryo, and anything in the 200s probably meant two embryos stuck.  I called Justin at work and he said "Omg, wait, what?! I'm going to have to process this and call you back." lol He was so excited and told everyone at work.  I called my mom right away and she said she felt like we were having twins even before we started our infertility journey!  We had to pray hard for the next hcg blood draw to double and be at least 422.

Day 10 Post-transfer: Tired, cramps both sides, boobs slightly sore, low blood sugars started, headache less

Day 10

Day 11 Post-transfer: Hcg 526, tired, cramps in the middle, headache not so much there.  I started googling, could this be twins?!  I found a "betabase" website where hundreds of thousands of women have posted their beta hcg numbers for others to compare (see below).  

Day 11- Hcg 526!

My tests were on 14dpo and 16dpo. 
So the average hcg shows ~131 & 289 for one baby.  Mine is 211 & 526!

Average hcg for twins is ~233 & 550, so I am not far below!

Another calculator I used which shows my hcg doubled in 36 hrs vs. the normal of 48hrs.  My two hcg numbers are the red dots way off the chart above! It says very high chance of multiples!

I also read online about how high hcg numbers from an embryo could also mean a possible chance of the baby having Down's Syndrome if it was only one.  This scares me to death but I have to keep reminding myself that we had more of a chance of twins than Down's since we put in 2 embryos. 

Melinda scheduled my ultrasound for 7 weeks, 1 day on Thursday, February 9th at 4pm.  They wanted to schedule it around 6.5 weeks but I worked that Monday and I wanted Dr. Christman to do it.  My mom is going to come up for it too!  

We went out for dinner to celebrate at Bonefish restaurant that night.  Guess who we ran into there?!  Dr. Kramer, the embryologist that made our babies! haha I went up to him and told him thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate tonight.  He said how everyone at the clinic was so excited for us and Dr. Christman was over the moon happy.  He said we were such a sweet and deserving couple. Then he said, I don't know if you were wanting this, but you better prepare yourselves for twins based off those numbers! haha That made it really set in hearing from the embryologist that he thought two had stuck.  I still have a slight fear that too much of a good thing (hcg) can be a bad thing. But I am enjoying being pregnant right now and hoping for the best! 

Day 12 Post-transfer: Super dark line, queasy when not eating, craving tacos unbelievably bad! We decided to take our announcement photos and enjoy the chance to post them while we could! We had NO clue that the result would be 777 days, in 2017, with an ultrasound at 7 weeks, and a baby due date of Sept. 27th!

Day 12

Day 14 Post-transfer:  I am trying to focus on blood sugars.  I had a super bad low of 32 yesterday afternoon. These babies are sucking the life out of me!  I'm starting a notebook with what I eat and all of the changes I am making to send to my endocrinologist. They will refer me to my high risk OB after the ultrasound and then they will take over my diabetes management. Why can't I just be a normal pregnant woman and eat as many tacos as I want?!  At least my urine test line is darker than the control line now! Getting a little queasy this afternoon as I type this. 

Day 14

So yeah, that's our story!  We are super excited but yet nervous every day!  This will be the longest 3 week wait ever!  Thanks for following along :)  I am praying for at least one happy, healthy baby! 

2nd FET- Last Checkup Before Transfer

Justin and I started our morning with another ultrasound and estrogen level check at 7:30am.  I looked at my Facebook memories and saw a cute video of our big dog, Tucker as a baby and I started tearing up thinking he only had maybe 7 more years to live. haha!  He has been the SWEETEST dog lately and back to following me wherever I go and sleeping with me.  I'm a big blubbering mess on these meds.  I was beginning to think my estrogen had plateau'd like it did last time because I hadn't had many headaches or meltdowns these last few days.  I bet Tucker can sense my hormones. 

Tucker laying at my feet outside

I got my lab work done and my estrogen went from 331 to 514!  This cycle is so different than last time.  I imagine it's because I started my cycle myself this time.  I am happy that it increased so much because last time my estrogen at this time was only 248.

Dr. Rhoton did my ultrasound again and my uterine lining was an average of 8.4mm (up from 8.16mm).  Last time my lining was 8.2mm at this check.  Justin was able to get a picture this time since he was there. 

Crazy to think they will be placing 2 babies in that small space between the yellow and green dots!

Everything is going great and we are all set for our transfer in 9 days!  I get to start progesterone shots on Tuesday!  Justin's first day of work at Shands :)  

We are going to work on cleaning out our garage and front bedroom since it's the last day to donate to Goodwill this year! I hope everyone has a great New Years Eve and we have a lucky 2017 year!  

Enjoy this poster that I see each time I go in our ultrasound room.  Praying for our miracle!

2nd FET- First Check up & A1c

I am happy to report that we are 13 days away from transfer and everything is going as planned! I had my first ultrasound today where they measured my uterine lining. They typically want this to be at least 7mm but 8mm is ideal. They took three measurements of mine which showed 7.6, 8.6, and 8.3mm. Then they take the average of those which equals about 8.16mm. This is higher than last time which was around 7.9mm at this first check. I am very happy with that! A nice and thick lining for a baby to bury themselves. Haha 

Then they drew my estrogen blood level. This resulted at 331. This is also higher than last time which was 295. I could tell it was higher due to my headaches coming back and I have had some calf cramps despite trying to stay hydrated! Justin used his silly kinesiotaping skills on my calf last night and it did take away the cramp! Who knows if it was a placebo effect though haha

I have been emotional too so I am ready for this hormone roller coaster to end whether it's with a baby or not! Haha

I also was excited to speak with the embryologist today at my appt. We confirmed that we would be placing 2 embryos and I saw what looked like pictures of my embryo babies in my chart! I said hey! Let me see those! Haha She showed them to me quickly and there was such a variety between them all! I wish I could have taken a picture. The fair ones looked pretty ugly so I am praying we don't have to use those! Then I saw 2 that were almost fully hatched out of their shell! I am hoping these are my overachiever, lucky, extra sticky embryos they will put in me!  We will see. Normally we don't get to see pictures until transfer day. 

On another note, I had an appt with my endocrinologist last week that left me a little frustrated. She doesn't know much about infertility and so I feel like I am teaching her about the effects of all my hormones on my blood sugar. Every time I go in, she never makes any changes and I teach her more about IVF and so I almost feel worthless going in. I also have noticed that EVERY single time I get my a1c done, my dexcom continuous glucose meter a1c estimate reads 1% lower than my lab test. I had high hopes for this a1c since dexcom said it was around 5.9% but the Endo lab showed 6.8%. Last time was 6.9% so at least it's slightly lower.

 

I decided to post on my online diabetes groups to see if others have the same a1c issue. Turns out, a lot of them do depending on the meter they use! I came across two interesting articles that explain this further.

https://www.google.com/amp/onedrop.today/blog/2016/05/31/bg-meter-accuracy-10-meters-put-to-the-test/amp/?client=safari

https://medium.com/@chrishannemann/a-craftsman-blames-his-tools-blood-glucose-meter-accuracy-long-term-diabetes-control-9caac073dae9#.timlobrq7

I haven't decided what to do about this variance yet. As of now, I'm trying to dose insulin based off my meter readings hoping they will be higher since our insurance only covers one brand of meters. 

I did talk with my doctor regarding the steroids and she said to take double the insulin for meals on the steroid days and don't worry about increasing my basal yet. I hope it works! I am excited about trying them this time as I have read a lot about natural killer cells in your body that can attack embryos if there is too many of them. The steroids create an immunosuppression to prevent that. 

We have enjoyed the holidays with both families. My mom and her husband Greg came to visit for a night for Christmas. We are blessed with all of our gifts. Justin got an apple watch for his birthday and I am excited to start learning brush lettering. I need lots of practice! 

My next check up is New Years Eve. Hopeful for continued progression of my baby holder (uterus haha) and symptoms of meds to subside. Thanks for following! 

 

Getting Nervous

It has been an exciting past few weeks.  I can't help but think everything is falling into place for us.  

You all know that I was able to start my period on my own and that was a blessing in itself.  My blood sugars have been better lately so I think that has helped.  I try to eat a lot of protein with my meal, not more than 30-40 carbs, and bolus myself with insulin 15 minutes before eating. 

I have also started daily walks with the dogs and my mother-in-law who lives in the neighborhood.  It is keeping both of us in shape and the dogs are happy!  We even had a dog trainer come to the house and teach us a few tricks to help with Ollie's barking and their jumping, etc.  It has been SO less stressful with the dogs behaving better. 

We also felt called to serve in our church's children's programs.  Justin is working with the middle school kids and I am teaching preschoolers Sunday school.  It has been so fun to interact with healthy kids for once!  This is something we have always wanted to do but we never thought was possible due to our difficult schedules.

And then the biggest excitement was Justin getting a job right before his 31st birthday at Shands Hospital where I work!  Shands is SO hard to get a job with and it almost seems like you have to know someone to get you in the system.  Justin was able to apply, get an interview solely on his cover letter because his resume never got forwarded, and get offered the job literally within a week even though he was an "external applicant" and had never done any rotations at Shands.  Our life is just going to get better and better! 

I took birth control pills for a month and started my Lupron shots last Saturday.  I forgot how much they make me have hot flashes.  I literally keep forgetting that I am in the middle of this process again and sometimes I am even late on my meds because it doesn't seem as exciting.  I think a part of me is nervous and afraid to get to transfer day because the end result was so hard last time.  I am being optimistic but I can't help but expect the worst.  I really thought it was going to work last time and it didn't so now that I am seeing how our lives are getting better and I think it's finally my time to get pregnant, I am afraid to get my hopes up.  I have a lot of things in my favor though like less stress in our lives, 2 embryos being implanted instead of one, and one bad embryo already knocked out of the running so hopefully there isn't many more.  Remember if 40% on average are bad, that means 3.2 embryos out of our 8 could have faulty chromosomes. I sure hope 3 of our good rated ones aren't faulty!  Dr. Christman has high hopes for us.  

I had my mock transfer again today where they measure where to place the embryos.  Dr. Christman had the OB resident do it this time and she did a good job.  This was my third time getting it done this year and the last resident couldn't do it so I was nervous when he said he was letting this one try.  They are supposed to scratch the uterus to get it to grow back thicker which in theory, is better for implantation.  I remember he told me about this last time and they used a hard catheter to do it, but this time it was a lot less painful so I am not even sure if he scratched it or not!  He said my lining was thin so I have a long way to go to get it thick for babies!

Anyways, Dr. Christman and I both decided that it was best for me to try the steroids this time around with my protocol of meds.  He said if it was him, he would just take more insulin and risk it.  The steroids help the body from not fighting off the embryos.   I only have to take them for 4 days so I think it would be worth it!  I also plan to stay super clean and not risk any UTIs!  That is my goal this time around- no UTIs, good blood sugars, and 2 embryos.  If I try all of that and it STILL doesn't work- then I know I did my best! 

Our transfer will be the first one of the year on January 9th.  I plan to do acupuncture again and I may even throw in another session to help me stay calm while I am in the 9 day waiting period before testing.  I also had someone pick up a shift for me and I plan on having 5 days off after transfer to rest and relax.  

Please continue to pray for us and specifically that I can enjoy this upcoming month with less worry about the outcome.  I will get the results of my lab work tomorrow to make sure that I am suppressed enough to start estrogen patches next week.  I did my lab work a little early due to my work schedule so I am praying that my numbers are good enough since I have only had a few days of the Lupron.  

Thank you for following our story! I won't be seeing another doctor until my endocrinology appt on Dec. 22nd where I will get another a1c and then my next ultrasound is on Dec. 27th.  I will update then!

A Day Full of Good News

Hey! It has been awhile since my last post and I am happy to say that life has gone back to normal.  I haven't been too sad or discouraged but I still do worry about our next embryo transfer.  It has been such a nice break not having to worry about blood sugars, what to eat/drink, etc.  I helped Justin photograph a wedding and have been busy with work projects. 

I met with Dr. Christman last week to go over what happened.  I asked him about my UTI and whether that would have had any effect on the embryo.  He asked me to remind him of when I noticed it, and then he didn't really say whether he thought it did or didn't cause it.  He mentioned once again of how up to 40% of embryos can have chromosome issues.  I asked about doing embryo genetic testing and he said that the clinic is just now partnering with the #1 genetic testing company to test the chromosomes of embryos more easily.  They offer it now but mostly just to those who have had recurrent miscarriages or diseases they don't want to pass on.  The testing rules out whether there are any chromosome abnormalities and increases your success rate of a viable pregnancy to around 70-80%.  Because of this success rate, the clinic is discussing whether they want to make every couple get this done after their fresh cycle no matter their history.  If I were insistent on testing our embryos now, it would be about $5000 to thaw and test them plus added shipping costs.  I decided it was not worth it for me to also risk the viability of the embryos by thawing them twice!  I believe our life is planned out for us and what is meant to happen, will happen!

Now on to the exciting stuff.  I was able to get the calendar for the frozen embryo transfers for next year.  If I got my period before November 13th (Sunday), then I could make it for the first transfer of the year January 9th!  Well the most exciting thing happened today- MY PERIOD CAME ON MY OWN!  It had been 34 days since my miscarriage and I was one day away from calling the clinic and asking for progesterone again.  What a blessing it was. (haha I'm so weird) But no for real- I feel so much better like God is telling me that this is good timing and go ahead and do the transfer in January!  I have been trying to control my carb intake which has led to less insulin overall.  Lots of insulin can shut down your ovaries so I wonder if my body is happy with my control lately and that's why my period started.  

Well we are on the schedule for the first transfer of the year- January 9th!  I start birth control in 2 days and the same meds as last time next month.  I am a little bummed that I will have to worry about all the patches and shots during the holidays but WHATEVER! haha 

We signed our consents and this time we will be transferring 2 embryos! (AHH SO SCARY!)  Scary in the fact that we will have a 50% chance of a pregnancy again and 30% chance of it being twins!  Also scary because if this doesn't work, then literally 1/3 of our embryos will be gone and I will seriously feel like we have something wrong with our genes.  I always feel better if I do the math, so if 40% of embryos are bad and we had 4 "good" rated embryos- that means up to 2 of the good ones can be bad.  We already had one bad one so there has to be at least one good one if we transfer 2! haha I am remaining hopeful.  

I also asked Dr. Christman if he could run any immune testing on me to see if my body was killing the embryos since diabetes has an autoimmune component and my body attacked my pancreas cells.  He said there really is only a few disorders where they would have anything to treat the immune system and therefore he would be testing me for lupus, antiphospholipid disorder, and if I had b2 glycoprotein.  He said that normally they do not send the tests unless someone has recurrent miscarriages but if it would ease my mind, he would try to code it as "miscarriage" and see if insurance pays.  If not, it would be a few hundred dollars.  I decided to ease my mind and go for it.  So far, I am negative for lupus and I am waiting for the others to come back.  The treatment would be to put me on Lovenox (blood thinner injections) to prevent my body from clotting the pregnancy. 

The nurses are going to go ahead and order my medications.  I am all stocked up with leftovers right now and there is more to come!

The financial lady gave me great news today as well.  She said that since my meds start in December, technically my cycle starts then as well and payment is due that month.  That is GREAT because I have met the out of pocket maximum so I get this years prices!!  I couldn't be more happy to save another $600 or so.  We should be paying about $2744.

So now I need to speak with the nurses next week and confirm when I need to pick up my calendar with my med schedule and do the mock transfer.  Let the fun begin once again!!  Continue to keep us in your prayers.  I will try to update when I can!

The Hardest Month of My Life...

This post has been really difficult for me to write so I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update all of you.  As most of you have seen on Facebook, our story did not turn out well.  It has been a really rough past 3 weeks for the both of us and our families.  I had typed out this summary of how our 9 day wait was on the day of the bad news.  Looking back I probably jinxed everything.  I will start at the beginning and then fill you in on how we're doing now and our next steps.  I am so thankful for how supportive you all have been and I am so glad that I have been so open because I couldn't imagine going through all of this alone. 

Here's the story (sorry it's long!)

Day of transfer: Started feeling some period like cramps & twinges in my ovary area and blood sugar dropping

1 day post-transfer:  Intermittent cramps & twinges continued and blood sugar continued to drop

2 days post-transfer: Went back to work. Cramps continued but blood sugar started rising, headache all day long, and breasts enlarged

3 days post-transfer: Stronger cramps, blood sugar continuing to rise, breasts sore

4 days post-transfer: Cramps, headache all day, watery discharge started

My blood sugars were good. A few lows but nothing above 130 for 24hrs!

Laughing at how big my boobs were

5 days post-transfer: Woke up at 4am and thought I had peed myself from watery discharge. I decided that this was NOT normal and that I MUST be pregnant so I took a urine test even though I said I wouldn't. My urine was SUPER hazy, but I just attributed it to the progesterone that could be leaking and mixing with it.  I thought I would just dip my urine daily and keep the sticks to look at after our blood test to see when a positive would have started to show.  But then of course I couldn't resist myself an hour later when I woke up for work.  It was a faint line positive!! But then I thought that surely it would just be an evaporation line from waiting 1.5hrs to read it.  So I took another test and that one had a line too! I woke Justin up at like 5:30am before work to ask if my eyes were playing tricks on me.  He said he didn't believe it until we got the blood test.  He said that he always has bad luck in life so he wouldn't believe anything until he heard from the doctor.  Looking back, I should have believed his gut.  But of course now I had to keep doing daily urine tests to see if it would get darker.  My gums started to bleed with brushing that day, headache continued all day. Then when I got home from work, I got implantation bleeding!  I'll spare you the picture but basically it's this brown stuff that makes you think your period is starting but then it never starts.  A sign that the baby has implanted! 

Day 5- First and second test today- faint line positive!!

6 days post-transfer: Urine test darker, headache continued all day, and I became really tired

Day 6- Comparing yesterday's test to today's- it's darker!

7 days post-transfer: Urine test even darker, headache continued, tired, breasts sore, strong cramps again, more implantation spotting.  This was the day of my friend Tabitha's baby shower.  I just knew I had to be definitely pregnant so I went to Walgreens to get a digital urine test just to confirm things and we got the words PREGNANT.  Yay! 

Day 7- Getting darker

Double checked...

Triple checked!!

We both secretly knew I was pregnant!

8 days post-transfer: Urine test darker, headache, SUPER tired.  I worked all day and then we went to our church small group meeting.  I had my first comical pregnancy meltdown this day.  Justin said he would be leaving right behind me for home, as it was time for my progesterone shot and I can't go to bed before getting it.  The dogs always go nuts when they have been locked up all day, so they were wild and would NOT let me sleep.  Usually when Justin comes home, he can play with them and distract them while I get to bed.  Well this tired pregnant woman was NOT having it and why wasn't my husband coming home?!  I needed sleep so bad.  I started texting Justin that he had a pregnant wife at home who was tired, he was killing our baby by making my shot late, wife before bros, etc. etc.   Then when he finally came home an hour later, I was ugly crying saying "I'm JUST SO TIRED.  I NEED my shot and sleep.  Why am I crying about this?!"  It was pretty comical.  I guess lesson learned- my sleep is very important when I'm pregnant haha.

Day 8

9 days post-transfer: Of course I had to take a urine test to make sure the line was getting darker.  Of course this test didn't look darker and my urine was still super hazy so I started freaking out!  I used some dipsticks and saw that I had a trace of leukocytes and small ketones.  Was I frying my baby for 5 days with a UTI?! This wasn't good.  I have a history of getting them very frequently as a child but I really had no typical symptoms. I got my blood drawn at 7:30am at the fertility clinic and had my urine tested there as well- same results.  Now I had to wait for the call from the nurse.  I decided to do another pregnancy urine test to calm my nerves and this one looked a lot darker! That made me feel much better.  

Day 9- One light and one dark!

Around 10:15am, I received a call from the fertility clinic.  I had told them on transfer day to leave me a message and I would listen to it with Justin at lunch time since he had to work.  Justin and I decided that since we already figured it would be positive, I could listen to the message and FaceTime him with the results and we would be able to save the message as a memory.  But I didn't know it would be Dr. Christman calling me himself!!  He basically told me how he was so so excited to give me some great news and that I better call him back to talk about my urine and the test results haha.  I just imagine him thinking to himself "I'm so good! I got her pregnant on the first try!"  I tried calling back immediately but they were tied up.  A nurse that I don't know very well called me back to tell me my HCG resulted at 120!  I was officially 4 weeks pregnant. This was a great result as it was right around 100 where they wanted and it wasn't too high like it was twins.  All of the "chemical pregnancies" I had seen hadn't even reached this level of HCG so I thought we were in the clear.  I was prescribed Nitrofurantoin (an antibiotic) for 5 days.  I was super happy and met with Justin for lunch and we got our first baby gift from his coworker Nicole.  She just hoped it would be positive and could give me it.  So sweet! 

Food grade silicone teether beads <3

That night we met with Justin's family for dinner and gave them the news that I had a positive test.  Justin's mom opened up a gift bag with my positive urine stick.  They were all very happy for us and we were able to call a few of Justin's family members to tell them the news.  We took our announcement pictures and hoped and prayed that the HCG would double on Friday's blood test so we could post them.  Little did we know we had jinxed everything. 

Getting pretty for our reveal pictures :(

10 days post-transfer: I took my last pregnancy test I had and it was about the same darkness.  That made me feel ok.  I was at work and decided to call my Mom just to make sure everything was in line for her coming up to stay with me this weekend to help with my injections while Justin was out of town.  She knew she was supposed to find out in person how everything went the next day.  Well of course she picked up after one ring! and said "did you get your results?! I was hoping you would call me with them!" lol So I told her she was supposed to wait but she said she wanted to know anyway haha So I told her we were pregnant and she was very happy for us and she said she figured I was.  Justin went out of town that night to a CEU in Orlando.  His mom came over and gave me my shot and had the perfect touch just like Justin!

Day 10

11 days post-transfer: I did another blood test around 7:30am and anxiously awaited the results.  I dropped Ollie (my little dog) off at rehab and got ready for my mom to come.  Last time they called me around 10:30am so when it had been 2hrs after that, I just had this gut feeling things weren't right.  My headaches had gone away and I was feeling more like my non-pregnant self.  My mom came over and brought me all of my old baby stuff and a congratulations card with some money to go shopping over the weekend.  I gave her a shirt that says "I can't keep calm- I'm going to be a grandma!" We were still so excited! 

My favorite heart bandaid

Waiting on Ollie to get picked up at rehab

We finally heard from the nurse Ursula close to 1pm and she said she had bad news that my HCG has dropped to 117.  My mom and my heart sank as we KNEW this wasn't a good sign.  She said Dr. Christman wanted me to get my HCG checked again on Monday to confirm that it wasn't a fluke result. I had to tell Justin in a text as he was in his CEU class and he was heartbroken as well.  I immediately started googling if I had any hope.  I read things online about how dehydration can make your blood HCG levels lower and thought how I hadn't had anything to eat or drink when I got my blood drawn.  I also read about a "vanishing twin" scenario where if my embryo had possibly split, the one dying embryo could make the HCG levels drop but then rise again from the good embryo.  It had only dropped 3 points so it literally had to have just died the night before.  Looking back, I find this so funny because literally Tucker (my big dog) had slept on me every single night since the transfer and he didn't the night before when Justin left.  It's crazy to think of the connection dogs and babies have.  I also worried about it being an ectopic pregnancy where the embryo implanted in your fallopian tube instead of your uterus because the embryo was placed right at the entrance of the tube.  If my HCG rose on Monday, that would most likely mean an ectopic pregnancy and either I would have to take Methotrexate (a chemo) to end it or sometimes they have to take out your fallopian tube!  Of course I was preparing for the worst. haha 

Tucker and Ollie sleeping on my baby belly

My mom did a fabulous job of distracting me over the weekend while she was here.  I remained hopeful and stayed busy and I was impressed that I didn't cry at all!  Justin came home on Saturday night and I figured I would test again the next morning to see if I was still pregnant.  I still hadn't had any bleeding and I had to continue all my medicines over the weekend.  


13 days post-transfer: I had only one leftover digital test so it was a scary hopeful reminder when I still got the words "pregnant."  I knew that my HCG had to be at least above 25 still.  I decided that I would enjoy my last day of being "pregnant" before Monday's blood test.  Justin's parents were sweet and did our lawn work so Justin and I could spend some time together that day.  I went to Walmart and bought their 88cent cheap pregnancy tests to look at my double lines.  I knew it was over after I took that. 

Day 13- Should be a lot darker by now

14 days post-transfer: It wasn't until Justin went to work on Monday and my mom was back home that I had a breakdown.  I told Ursula at the clinic to please call me with my results before noon as I had to go in to work to teach a class and I really didn't want to miss her call.  She called around 11:45am and told me that my HCG had decreased to 25.9.  Just enough to still show "pregnant" on a home test but also enough to show I officially had a "chemical pregnancy" or early miscarriage which is any pregnancy that ends before 6 weeks.  I was to stop all of my medicines that day and it was over.  Justin was a sweetheart and came home early from work to be with me.  I got the largest Starbucks coffee and went to Bento for sushi that night.  

Day 14- Comparing last night to the morning

I cried non-stop for I think 3 days and I couldn't teach my class.  Lot's of "why the tease God?" and worry about the future.  I lost my faith and couldn't understand why some people in life got all of the problems like us with my diabetes, the infertility, now the miscarriage and how others appear to literally have perfect lives. I used to think to myself that never getting to be pregnant was the worst but I definitely can tell you that actually being pregnant and getting that taken away from you is SO MUCH worse. 

I still struggle with my faith after all of this.  When you get so many bad results over time, you think it's never going to work out.  You stress and think about how could you be putting in all this effort, heartbreak, and money for nothing?  How could it still not work with all of the hormones and added support?  It was our "best embryo" and actually implanted in me and then died a week later.  Is there something wrong with my uterus?  How could the other embryos do better? Do you try again right away or is that "playing God" and just leading up to another heartbreak because somehow we aren't ready now?  I hate the fact that I'm going to be one of the "old moms" when we finally do have children and I am already tired now!  I get so sad to think that my mom is just getting older and older and she won't have much time left to see my kids grow.  My grandmother was my biggest influence in life and I can't imagine my children not having a lot of that.  

My faith is reassured knowing that everything has always worked out for the best in my life and that this has just been one long hurdle.  I finally was able to move on once I calculated our budget and figured we could probably do another transfer when it's available if we just use the money we are setting aside for our new a/c and should be getting christmas money, holiday pay, etc.  


17 days post-transfer: I was able to sit down and meet with a friend who had a rough road with IVF at our same clinic but was recently able to get pregnant.  This was the most helpful thing I did.  I was able to ask her what to expect from the doctors and she gave her insight that she felt like it was probably a bad embryo and didn't think they would change anything.  She knew someone that had PCOS that did the chromosome testing on their embryos and only half were good.  It would cost me a lot of money to have all of the embryos unfrozen, shipped and tested, and then froze again risking the viability of them so probably not worth it.  She had a few chemical pregnancies as well.  Out of her around 10 total embryos, it took placing I think 9 before one stuck.  CRAZY!  I worried that only half of my embryos were considered "good" and the other were "fair" and she reassured me that it was okay as her beautiful daughter was from a "fair" embryo!  It helps so much to know someone that has been through your struggles. 


18 days post-transfer: It was Friday and I was scheduled to work all weekend at the hospital for Hurricane Matthew.  Awesome timing because it had been 5 days since stopping the Progesterone and I still hadn't bled at all.  You can only imagine my thoughts walking around thinking I had this "dead baby" inside of me that needed to come out all week.  Well right when I got to work, I started to bleed and it was twice as bad as a normal period.  I survived but it was tough and I had to take a lot of Motrin to make it through the day.  The bleeding continued for about 3-4 days. 


21 days post-transfer (today):  I had another HCG check at 7:30am.  I have begun to hate going into the fertility clinic now.  I was even 10 minutes late to my appointment because I just didn't want to go just to get more bad news.  Seeing all of the hopeful women getting their ultrasounds and labs drawn is depressing.  It is so hard because I truly feel hopeful for these women and don't want them to have to go through what I did, but there will always be that jealousy there and "when will it be my time?" thoughts. 

I was glad to be able to go back to Barre class right after my appointment to use as a distraction.  I hadn't been at all since before my transfer because they didn't want me to raise my core body temp to risk anything with the baby.  It kicked my butt but I had the energy to clean up around the house and get some things done.  I am hoping that I'll be able to get real strong during the next few months which will help with a future pregnancy.  

Melinda called me this afternoon.  It was so good to hear from her this time vs. the other nurses.  She told me that my HCG has decreased to I think it was 1.39.  Since it was less than 5, I don't have to get any more labs drawn and everything should be pretty much gone.  She said she spoke with Dr. Christman about my results and they both agreed that they couldn't have had a more perfect transfer and they truly think it was just a bad embryo.  She said that in normal individuals, up to 40% of embryos are "bad" with faulty chromosomes.  I feel like if I would have known this, I may have put in 2 the first time but twins still scare me. Also, she reminded me that a normal couple still has a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant so this doesn't mean that anything is "wrong" with me.  Dr. Christman recommends that I put in 2 embryos the next time.  Maybe God just wanted us to have twins. HA that would be hilarious.  I think I read online that over half of women have chemical pregnancies during their first pregnancy or they never know that they had one.  I just had early testing to find out.  Also, I asked about my lining being only 8.2mm thick and whether that had any effect on the embryo and she truly felt that it was a perfect number right where they wanted it to be and it seriously was probably a bad embryo.  I am just glad that I know I can get pregnant and very grateful for that experience, it just needs to stick!

I asked for the clinic's frozen embryo transfer schedule for the upcoming year but they don't have it finalized yet.  I have to have another period again before starting birth control.  The clinic does their last transfer on December 12th and then closes for the holiday and quality control checks so unfortunately I will not make it in time to have another transfer before the end of the year.  It is probably better as I won't have to worry about this during the holidays.  

I will see Dr. Christman again on November 3rd and will ask him what he wants me to do at that appointment.  If I wait 35 days to have a period again, then that will be around November 10th and I would just get on birth control until a month before the transfer in the beginning of January.  More time to save money and get housework done!  

If I base numbers off the last quote the financial coordinator gave me, I should have to pay my $400 deductible again, plus 10% of the covered services like ultrasounds and lab work (~$159), and then $2744 for the non-covered services.  Holy moly I never noticed that the most expensive part is literally thawing the embryo at $1400! No wonder they had me sign a form that said if one didn't thaw well, would I be ok with thawing another.  So I'm expecting a total of around $3303 for this next try plus another $150 for acupuncture.  Any other tries would be around $2744 to just pay the non-covered services.  One blessing is I will be able to refill my meds this year while they are free and save them for next year.  I am hoping that the charges don't increase a ton for next year because y'all know they always go up!  I am praying these finances work out.  

So that is how we have ended it.  Going to relax throughout the holidays and try not to think about too much.  I will probably post again with what Dr. Christman says next month.  I will be a lot more skeptical and nervous next time around.  With putting in two embryos, if I get a good first HCG number of 100-  I'll be thinking oh great, I have a chemical pregnancy again with both embryos or one could possibly have died and the other one be working great!  I guess I won't really know until I get my ultrasound at the 8 week mark.  I see lots of women on my diabetes and infertility group that have multiple chemical pregnancies in a row and have to see a Rheumatologist to get immune testing and stuff.  That would be awful and I really really pray the bad news is over for us.  I have to remind myself that there are lots of diabetics that get pregnant without problems.  

I ask you to continue to pray for us and be supportive of my crazy emotional days.  I am thankful for all of you!  Until next time...