The Hardest Month of My Life...

This post has been really difficult for me to write so I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update all of you.  As most of you have seen on Facebook, our story did not turn out well.  It has been a really rough past 3 weeks for the both of us and our families.  I had typed out this summary of how our 9 day wait was on the day of the bad news.  Looking back I probably jinxed everything.  I will start at the beginning and then fill you in on how we're doing now and our next steps.  I am so thankful for how supportive you all have been and I am so glad that I have been so open because I couldn't imagine going through all of this alone. 

Here's the story (sorry it's long!)

Day of transfer: Started feeling some period like cramps & twinges in my ovary area and blood sugar dropping

1 day post-transfer:  Intermittent cramps & twinges continued and blood sugar continued to drop

2 days post-transfer: Went back to work. Cramps continued but blood sugar started rising, headache all day long, and breasts enlarged

3 days post-transfer: Stronger cramps, blood sugar continuing to rise, breasts sore

4 days post-transfer: Cramps, headache all day, watery discharge started

My blood sugars were good. A few lows but nothing above 130 for 24hrs!

Laughing at how big my boobs were

5 days post-transfer: Woke up at 4am and thought I had peed myself from watery discharge. I decided that this was NOT normal and that I MUST be pregnant so I took a urine test even though I said I wouldn't. My urine was SUPER hazy, but I just attributed it to the progesterone that could be leaking and mixing with it.  I thought I would just dip my urine daily and keep the sticks to look at after our blood test to see when a positive would have started to show.  But then of course I couldn't resist myself an hour later when I woke up for work.  It was a faint line positive!! But then I thought that surely it would just be an evaporation line from waiting 1.5hrs to read it.  So I took another test and that one had a line too! I woke Justin up at like 5:30am before work to ask if my eyes were playing tricks on me.  He said he didn't believe it until we got the blood test.  He said that he always has bad luck in life so he wouldn't believe anything until he heard from the doctor.  Looking back, I should have believed his gut.  But of course now I had to keep doing daily urine tests to see if it would get darker.  My gums started to bleed with brushing that day, headache continued all day. Then when I got home from work, I got implantation bleeding!  I'll spare you the picture but basically it's this brown stuff that makes you think your period is starting but then it never starts.  A sign that the baby has implanted! 

Day 5- First and second test today- faint line positive!!

6 days post-transfer: Urine test darker, headache continued all day, and I became really tired

Day 6- Comparing yesterday's test to today's- it's darker!

7 days post-transfer: Urine test even darker, headache continued, tired, breasts sore, strong cramps again, more implantation spotting.  This was the day of my friend Tabitha's baby shower.  I just knew I had to be definitely pregnant so I went to Walgreens to get a digital urine test just to confirm things and we got the words PREGNANT.  Yay! 

Day 7- Getting darker

Double checked...

Triple checked!!

We both secretly knew I was pregnant!

8 days post-transfer: Urine test darker, headache, SUPER tired.  I worked all day and then we went to our church small group meeting.  I had my first comical pregnancy meltdown this day.  Justin said he would be leaving right behind me for home, as it was time for my progesterone shot and I can't go to bed before getting it.  The dogs always go nuts when they have been locked up all day, so they were wild and would NOT let me sleep.  Usually when Justin comes home, he can play with them and distract them while I get to bed.  Well this tired pregnant woman was NOT having it and why wasn't my husband coming home?!  I needed sleep so bad.  I started texting Justin that he had a pregnant wife at home who was tired, he was killing our baby by making my shot late, wife before bros, etc. etc.   Then when he finally came home an hour later, I was ugly crying saying "I'm JUST SO TIRED.  I NEED my shot and sleep.  Why am I crying about this?!"  It was pretty comical.  I guess lesson learned- my sleep is very important when I'm pregnant haha.

Day 8

9 days post-transfer: Of course I had to take a urine test to make sure the line was getting darker.  Of course this test didn't look darker and my urine was still super hazy so I started freaking out!  I used some dipsticks and saw that I had a trace of leukocytes and small ketones.  Was I frying my baby for 5 days with a UTI?! This wasn't good.  I have a history of getting them very frequently as a child but I really had no typical symptoms. I got my blood drawn at 7:30am at the fertility clinic and had my urine tested there as well- same results.  Now I had to wait for the call from the nurse.  I decided to do another pregnancy urine test to calm my nerves and this one looked a lot darker! That made me feel much better.  

Day 9- One light and one dark!

Around 10:15am, I received a call from the fertility clinic.  I had told them on transfer day to leave me a message and I would listen to it with Justin at lunch time since he had to work.  Justin and I decided that since we already figured it would be positive, I could listen to the message and FaceTime him with the results and we would be able to save the message as a memory.  But I didn't know it would be Dr. Christman calling me himself!!  He basically told me how he was so so excited to give me some great news and that I better call him back to talk about my urine and the test results haha.  I just imagine him thinking to himself "I'm so good! I got her pregnant on the first try!"  I tried calling back immediately but they were tied up.  A nurse that I don't know very well called me back to tell me my HCG resulted at 120!  I was officially 4 weeks pregnant. This was a great result as it was right around 100 where they wanted and it wasn't too high like it was twins.  All of the "chemical pregnancies" I had seen hadn't even reached this level of HCG so I thought we were in the clear.  I was prescribed Nitrofurantoin (an antibiotic) for 5 days.  I was super happy and met with Justin for lunch and we got our first baby gift from his coworker Nicole.  She just hoped it would be positive and could give me it.  So sweet! 

Food grade silicone teether beads <3

That night we met with Justin's family for dinner and gave them the news that I had a positive test.  Justin's mom opened up a gift bag with my positive urine stick.  They were all very happy for us and we were able to call a few of Justin's family members to tell them the news.  We took our announcement pictures and hoped and prayed that the HCG would double on Friday's blood test so we could post them.  Little did we know we had jinxed everything. 

Getting pretty for our reveal pictures :(

10 days post-transfer: I took my last pregnancy test I had and it was about the same darkness.  That made me feel ok.  I was at work and decided to call my Mom just to make sure everything was in line for her coming up to stay with me this weekend to help with my injections while Justin was out of town.  She knew she was supposed to find out in person how everything went the next day.  Well of course she picked up after one ring! and said "did you get your results?! I was hoping you would call me with them!" lol So I told her she was supposed to wait but she said she wanted to know anyway haha So I told her we were pregnant and she was very happy for us and she said she figured I was.  Justin went out of town that night to a CEU in Orlando.  His mom came over and gave me my shot and had the perfect touch just like Justin!

Day 10

11 days post-transfer: I did another blood test around 7:30am and anxiously awaited the results.  I dropped Ollie (my little dog) off at rehab and got ready for my mom to come.  Last time they called me around 10:30am so when it had been 2hrs after that, I just had this gut feeling things weren't right.  My headaches had gone away and I was feeling more like my non-pregnant self.  My mom came over and brought me all of my old baby stuff and a congratulations card with some money to go shopping over the weekend.  I gave her a shirt that says "I can't keep calm- I'm going to be a grandma!" We were still so excited! 

My favorite heart bandaid

Waiting on Ollie to get picked up at rehab

We finally heard from the nurse Ursula close to 1pm and she said she had bad news that my HCG has dropped to 117.  My mom and my heart sank as we KNEW this wasn't a good sign.  She said Dr. Christman wanted me to get my HCG checked again on Monday to confirm that it wasn't a fluke result. I had to tell Justin in a text as he was in his CEU class and he was heartbroken as well.  I immediately started googling if I had any hope.  I read things online about how dehydration can make your blood HCG levels lower and thought how I hadn't had anything to eat or drink when I got my blood drawn.  I also read about a "vanishing twin" scenario where if my embryo had possibly split, the one dying embryo could make the HCG levels drop but then rise again from the good embryo.  It had only dropped 3 points so it literally had to have just died the night before.  Looking back, I find this so funny because literally Tucker (my big dog) had slept on me every single night since the transfer and he didn't the night before when Justin left.  It's crazy to think of the connection dogs and babies have.  I also worried about it being an ectopic pregnancy where the embryo implanted in your fallopian tube instead of your uterus because the embryo was placed right at the entrance of the tube.  If my HCG rose on Monday, that would most likely mean an ectopic pregnancy and either I would have to take Methotrexate (a chemo) to end it or sometimes they have to take out your fallopian tube!  Of course I was preparing for the worst. haha 

Tucker and Ollie sleeping on my baby belly

My mom did a fabulous job of distracting me over the weekend while she was here.  I remained hopeful and stayed busy and I was impressed that I didn't cry at all!  Justin came home on Saturday night and I figured I would test again the next morning to see if I was still pregnant.  I still hadn't had any bleeding and I had to continue all my medicines over the weekend.  


13 days post-transfer: I had only one leftover digital test so it was a scary hopeful reminder when I still got the words "pregnant."  I knew that my HCG had to be at least above 25 still.  I decided that I would enjoy my last day of being "pregnant" before Monday's blood test.  Justin's parents were sweet and did our lawn work so Justin and I could spend some time together that day.  I went to Walmart and bought their 88cent cheap pregnancy tests to look at my double lines.  I knew it was over after I took that. 

Day 13- Should be a lot darker by now

14 days post-transfer: It wasn't until Justin went to work on Monday and my mom was back home that I had a breakdown.  I told Ursula at the clinic to please call me with my results before noon as I had to go in to work to teach a class and I really didn't want to miss her call.  She called around 11:45am and told me that my HCG had decreased to 25.9.  Just enough to still show "pregnant" on a home test but also enough to show I officially had a "chemical pregnancy" or early miscarriage which is any pregnancy that ends before 6 weeks.  I was to stop all of my medicines that day and it was over.  Justin was a sweetheart and came home early from work to be with me.  I got the largest Starbucks coffee and went to Bento for sushi that night.  

Day 14- Comparing last night to the morning

I cried non-stop for I think 3 days and I couldn't teach my class.  Lot's of "why the tease God?" and worry about the future.  I lost my faith and couldn't understand why some people in life got all of the problems like us with my diabetes, the infertility, now the miscarriage and how others appear to literally have perfect lives. I used to think to myself that never getting to be pregnant was the worst but I definitely can tell you that actually being pregnant and getting that taken away from you is SO MUCH worse. 

I still struggle with my faith after all of this.  When you get so many bad results over time, you think it's never going to work out.  You stress and think about how could you be putting in all this effort, heartbreak, and money for nothing?  How could it still not work with all of the hormones and added support?  It was our "best embryo" and actually implanted in me and then died a week later.  Is there something wrong with my uterus?  How could the other embryos do better? Do you try again right away or is that "playing God" and just leading up to another heartbreak because somehow we aren't ready now?  I hate the fact that I'm going to be one of the "old moms" when we finally do have children and I am already tired now!  I get so sad to think that my mom is just getting older and older and she won't have much time left to see my kids grow.  My grandmother was my biggest influence in life and I can't imagine my children not having a lot of that.  

My faith is reassured knowing that everything has always worked out for the best in my life and that this has just been one long hurdle.  I finally was able to move on once I calculated our budget and figured we could probably do another transfer when it's available if we just use the money we are setting aside for our new a/c and should be getting christmas money, holiday pay, etc.  


17 days post-transfer: I was able to sit down and meet with a friend who had a rough road with IVF at our same clinic but was recently able to get pregnant.  This was the most helpful thing I did.  I was able to ask her what to expect from the doctors and she gave her insight that she felt like it was probably a bad embryo and didn't think they would change anything.  She knew someone that had PCOS that did the chromosome testing on their embryos and only half were good.  It would cost me a lot of money to have all of the embryos unfrozen, shipped and tested, and then froze again risking the viability of them so probably not worth it.  She had a few chemical pregnancies as well.  Out of her around 10 total embryos, it took placing I think 9 before one stuck.  CRAZY!  I worried that only half of my embryos were considered "good" and the other were "fair" and she reassured me that it was okay as her beautiful daughter was from a "fair" embryo!  It helps so much to know someone that has been through your struggles. 


18 days post-transfer: It was Friday and I was scheduled to work all weekend at the hospital for Hurricane Matthew.  Awesome timing because it had been 5 days since stopping the Progesterone and I still hadn't bled at all.  You can only imagine my thoughts walking around thinking I had this "dead baby" inside of me that needed to come out all week.  Well right when I got to work, I started to bleed and it was twice as bad as a normal period.  I survived but it was tough and I had to take a lot of Motrin to make it through the day.  The bleeding continued for about 3-4 days. 


21 days post-transfer (today):  I had another HCG check at 7:30am.  I have begun to hate going into the fertility clinic now.  I was even 10 minutes late to my appointment because I just didn't want to go just to get more bad news.  Seeing all of the hopeful women getting their ultrasounds and labs drawn is depressing.  It is so hard because I truly feel hopeful for these women and don't want them to have to go through what I did, but there will always be that jealousy there and "when will it be my time?" thoughts. 

I was glad to be able to go back to Barre class right after my appointment to use as a distraction.  I hadn't been at all since before my transfer because they didn't want me to raise my core body temp to risk anything with the baby.  It kicked my butt but I had the energy to clean up around the house and get some things done.  I am hoping that I'll be able to get real strong during the next few months which will help with a future pregnancy.  

Melinda called me this afternoon.  It was so good to hear from her this time vs. the other nurses.  She told me that my HCG has decreased to I think it was 1.39.  Since it was less than 5, I don't have to get any more labs drawn and everything should be pretty much gone.  She said she spoke with Dr. Christman about my results and they both agreed that they couldn't have had a more perfect transfer and they truly think it was just a bad embryo.  She said that in normal individuals, up to 40% of embryos are "bad" with faulty chromosomes.  I feel like if I would have known this, I may have put in 2 the first time but twins still scare me. Also, she reminded me that a normal couple still has a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant so this doesn't mean that anything is "wrong" with me.  Dr. Christman recommends that I put in 2 embryos the next time.  Maybe God just wanted us to have twins. HA that would be hilarious.  I think I read online that over half of women have chemical pregnancies during their first pregnancy or they never know that they had one.  I just had early testing to find out.  Also, I asked about my lining being only 8.2mm thick and whether that had any effect on the embryo and she truly felt that it was a perfect number right where they wanted it to be and it seriously was probably a bad embryo.  I am just glad that I know I can get pregnant and very grateful for that experience, it just needs to stick!

I asked for the clinic's frozen embryo transfer schedule for the upcoming year but they don't have it finalized yet.  I have to have another period again before starting birth control.  The clinic does their last transfer on December 12th and then closes for the holiday and quality control checks so unfortunately I will not make it in time to have another transfer before the end of the year.  It is probably better as I won't have to worry about this during the holidays.  

I will see Dr. Christman again on November 3rd and will ask him what he wants me to do at that appointment.  If I wait 35 days to have a period again, then that will be around November 10th and I would just get on birth control until a month before the transfer in the beginning of January.  More time to save money and get housework done!  

If I base numbers off the last quote the financial coordinator gave me, I should have to pay my $400 deductible again, plus 10% of the covered services like ultrasounds and lab work (~$159), and then $2744 for the non-covered services.  Holy moly I never noticed that the most expensive part is literally thawing the embryo at $1400! No wonder they had me sign a form that said if one didn't thaw well, would I be ok with thawing another.  So I'm expecting a total of around $3303 for this next try plus another $150 for acupuncture.  Any other tries would be around $2744 to just pay the non-covered services.  One blessing is I will be able to refill my meds this year while they are free and save them for next year.  I am hoping that the charges don't increase a ton for next year because y'all know they always go up!  I am praying these finances work out.  

So that is how we have ended it.  Going to relax throughout the holidays and try not to think about too much.  I will probably post again with what Dr. Christman says next month.  I will be a lot more skeptical and nervous next time around.  With putting in two embryos, if I get a good first HCG number of 100-  I'll be thinking oh great, I have a chemical pregnancy again with both embryos or one could possibly have died and the other one be working great!  I guess I won't really know until I get my ultrasound at the 8 week mark.  I see lots of women on my diabetes and infertility group that have multiple chemical pregnancies in a row and have to see a Rheumatologist to get immune testing and stuff.  That would be awful and I really really pray the bad news is over for us.  I have to remind myself that there are lots of diabetics that get pregnant without problems.  

I ask you to continue to pray for us and be supportive of my crazy emotional days.  I am thankful for all of you!  Until next time...